“Dining Table Rules 😂”
A guy buys a vintage motorcycle he saw for sale in an ad in the paper.
When he goes to pick the bike up, the dude who sells him the bike says,"
"Now remember....that's all original leather. You can't let it get too wet. If it starts raining and you don't have anywhere to shelter it, make sure you keep a tub of vaseline with you. Rub it all over the seat so the water will just bead off."
The guy takes his new bike and goes to pick up his girlfriend. The girlfriend invites the guy over to her parents house for dinner. This will be the first time he's ever eaten with her family.
"I should let you know the rule of the table" she said. "There is no talking allowed. The first person to talk at the table has to clean the dishes."
The guy doesn't think this is that big of a deal until he arrives at the family's house and looks in the kitchen. There must be at least three months worth of dishes inside. They are stacked up to the ceiling, stinking and rotting of mold and old bits of food everywhere. The guy almost throws up at the smell and sight of such a disgusting state of affairs.
Dinner begins, and no one is saying a word. The tension is starting to get to the boyfriend, so he concocts a plan to make someone else speak first.
The guy drops his fork, goes over to his girlfriend at the table, throws her up on top and just starts fucking her in front of everyone. The father and mother are obviously mortified. But even with their jaws on the floor, no one says a word.
The guy stops and thinks to himself "This is going to be harder than I thought...." then he gets another idea.....
Without hesitation, he runs over to the mother throws her up on the table and fucks the shit out of her, right in front of the father.
The dad is staring daggers through the boyfriend and turning bright red in anger. But still says nothing. The girlfriend is becoming teary eyed and covering her mouth with her hands, but doesn't make a peep.
The boyfriend stops fucking the mother and sits back down at his seat, completely flustered. He takes a gander out the window, and notices a sudden heavy rain has settled in. He then realizes that his vintage motorbike is parked on the street, uncovered.
The boyfriend pops out of his seat and grabs his tub of vaseline.
The dad jumps out of his chair and yells out, "ALRIGHT, I'LL DO THE GODDAMNED DISHES!"
🤔🤔🤣🤣🤣
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“Donald Trump visits the Queen😂”
Donald Trump visits the Queen and asks, “Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Got any tips for me?”
The Queen replies, “Simple. Always surround yourself with intelligent people.”
Trump scratches his head. “But how do I know if they're actually intelligent?”
The Queen smiles, takes a sip of tea, and says, “Easy. Test them with a riddle.” She presses her intercom and calls in Theresa May.
“Theresa,” the Queen says, “Your mother and father have a child. It's none of your brothers and it's none of your sisters. Who is it?”
Theresa answers immediately: “That would be me.”
“Correct!” says the Queen.
Trump flies back to the White House, calls in Mike Pence, and says, “Mike, answer this: Your mother and father have a child. It's none of your brothers, it's none of your sisters. Who is it?”
Pence frowns. “Uh… I don't know. Let me think about it.”
He runs around asking advisers, gets nowhere, and finally bumps into Ben Carson in the restroom. Desperate, Pence blurts, Doc! Your parents have a child. It's none of your brothers, and none of your sisters. Who is it?”
Dr. Carson replies without hesitation: “That's me!”
Relieved, Pence rushes back to Trump. “Mr. President, I've got the answer! It's Ben Carson.”
Trump slams his desk, storms over, and shouts: “No, you idiot! It's Theresa May!”
🤣🤣🤣
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A Tourist and the Natives:
A tourist went to Mexico and praised the local fishermen for the quality of their fish and then asked them?
How much time do you need to catch it? And the fishermen answered him in one voice:
"Not long".
He asked them: Why don't you spend more time and fish more?
The fishermen made it clear that their little catch would suffice their needs and the needs of their families!
He asked them: But what do you do in the rest of your time?
They answered:
We sleep late..
We fish a little...
We play with our children.
We eat with our wives.
And in the evening we visit our friends..
We have fun, laugh and chant some songs
The tourist interrupted:
I have an MBA from Harvard University and I can help you!
You have to start fishing for long periods every day..and then sell the extra fish for a bigger return
And buy a bigger fishing boat;
They asked him: Then what?
He replied: With the big boat and the extra money..
You can buy a second and third boat, and so on until you have an integrated fleet of fishing vessels,
Instead of selling your catch to an intermediary, you will negotiate directly with the factories, and perhaps you will also open your own factory,
And you will be able to leave this village and move to Mexico City, the capital, or Los Angeles or even New York!
From there you will be able to start your giant projects
The fishermen asked the tourist:
How much time will we need to achieve this?
He replied: About twenty or maybe twenty-five years
They asked him: What next?
He replied with a smile: When your business grows, you will speculate in stocks and win millions
They asked him in amazement:
Millions? Oh really?
And what will we do after that?
replied:
Then you can retire and live quietly in a village on the coast, sleep late...
You play with your children.
And you eat with your wives.
And spend the nights enjoying with friends, family, and other relatives.
The fishermen answered
With all due respect and appreciation
But that's exactly what we're doing now,
So, what's the logic for which we waste twenty-five years of misery?
[You should've seen the frozen tourist]
😹 😹
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“A suspicious king sets a trap to test his queen's loyalty… but one knight's answer leaves the court in stitches.n😂”
The king began to suspect his queen of being unfaithful. To test her, he secretly placed a tiny razor blade where no one would expect it.
Three days later, he summoned all his knights and ordered them to drop their pants. Every single one stood there with bandaged manhoods—except for one.
The king beamed with pride. “Ah, I always knew you were my most loyal knight!”
The knight bowed and replied, with a lisp, “It wath nothing, your magethy.”
🤣🤣🤣
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Lawyers
Two men crash into each other at an intersection. First man steps out of his wrecked car screaming:
"You son-of-a-bitch, you wrecked my Jag! I'm a lawyer, I'm going to sue you for everything you have!"
Other man responds, "You Lawyers only care about money, you don't even realize you just lost an arm."
The Lawyer looks down where his arm should be and yells "Where's my fucking Rolex!"
🤣🤣🤣
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Teachers be lik:
Question: y⁷ x y⁷ = ?
Options: a). y⁷
Options: b). 7y
Options: c). y¹⁴
Options: d). 2y⁷
Options: e). 2y¹⁴
Teachers be like, "Let's add options 'D and E' to know which of the students are the stupidest"
🤣🤣🤣
🤣🤣🤣
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Grandparents joke:
Grandma : "You used to hold my hand at night when we were courting"
Grandpa wearily held her hand and tried to find sleep again.
Grandma : "Then you would kiss me."
Irritated, Grandpa went on and give her multiple kisses, then he tried to sleep again.
A minute later grandma said "And then you use to bite my neck."
Angrily Grandpa removed the cover clothe and got out of the bed.
Grandma : "where are you going?"
Grandpa : "To get my teeth!"
🤯😂😂😂😂
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Lawyers
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Lawyers
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Lawyers
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Lawyers
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